Processing

I don't know how other parts of the country care for their grieving friends, but in Oklahoma, we feed them.  We take food to the house, the church, and put it in the freezer.   There is usually a group of women who take over the kitchen and keep track of the food, what's in the fridge and keeps things rotated.  Usually, it's all written down so the family will be able to remember the kindness later - although I wish thank-you notes wouldn't be deemed necessary.  A hug is plenty.
Cooking has always been theraputic to me, possibly because I was raised to associate sadness with cooking.   When there is nothing I feel I can do to help or lend support, I cook.   Today I decided to fry chicken because it takes TIME, makes me feel USEFUL and is easy to serve. 
My house smells comforting.   This is the recipe I use:

SOUTHERN FRIED CHICKEN
2 eggs, well beaten
pinch baking powder
salt & pepper
1 pkg cut up chicken (I buy thighs and legs)
Seasoned Flour (flour with salt, pepper, paprika, garlic, whatever sounds good)
1/2 c. Crisco (not oil)

Mix together egg & baking powder in 1 gal ziploc bag. Season chicken and put into egg mixture. Soak several hours or even overnight.

Before removing from bag, rework liquid into the chicken. Roll the chicken in seasoned flour. Heat shortening (cast iron skillet is best!) on low. Fry chicken on low heat until done. Takes about 30 minutes - don’t get in a hurry and don’t fire up the heat!!

Lexi's Notes

said:

• REMEMBER to take pics to school (she and her friend did an art project together)
  
• REMEMBER to take medicine (getting to be a habit around here!)
  
• REMEMBER to ride with Jaycee and her grandmother (she usually rides the bus, but wanted their artwork to transport intact)
  
• REMEMBER to take a snack (her teacher lets them have a healthy snack)
  

And there's the big REMINDER to please knock before entering.  She's becoming a little more modest and has transitioned from running streaking to blushing.  

Thanks for the well wishes, she's less hacky today but still not her old self.

Birth Control

I'm sensitive about blogging this, but I feel strongly about expressing my thoughts somehow. When Keith and I were coming to grips with the last of our options to have a baby, we decided to attempt 1 round of in vitro fertilization.   It was expensive and it was emotional.  It was also our last hope.
I took the required drugs that induce ovulation and triggers creation of multiple eggs.  This in itself causes a fireworks of hormones.  After 3 days, the eggs were retrieved and we had to decide how many fertilized eggs would be implanted and how many would be cryopreserved.   Your brain goes from thinking you might actually have one baby to panic thinking you might get seven!  I did not feel I could choose "selective reduction" so we had 3 eggs implanted.  Waiting for the confirmation was stressful.  I wanted to stand on my head to ensure these little baby zygots were nestled in a soft, fertile cushion.   
The results were negative.  I was devastated.  We couldn't afford another try and neither of us thought I could ride that emotional roller coaster again.  
As you know, we adopted a child and I did eventually give birth to another child.   That's not where I want to go today, but I do need to add "Thank You God" for those blessings.
I forgot about those frozen eggs.  A year later (this was in the mid-1990's), we got a letter requesting written direction for disposal.  We could pay $500 per year to keep them frozen, donate anonymously to another family, or we could have them destroyed.   While I've always thought I would be a wonderful surrogate mother, I could not fathom having a biological child walking on this earth that I did not know. Especially when Keith and I could not have one.    
I am pro-life.  I agree there may be life or death decisions that require medical intervention, but I do not otherwise support abortion.   My heart breaks for our unborn babies and the mothers who choose abortion - and now our leaders who will pave the way for this option of birth control.  Our zygotes were only 5 days old and certainly not sustainable outside the womb, but it was still a difficult choice to have them destroyed.  Knowing now that those cells could have been used for stem-cell research, I think I would have donated them for that.   

At first glance, the case for federal funding of embryonic stem-cell research seems too obvious to need defending. Why should the government refuse to support research that holds promise for the treatment and cure of devastating conditions such as Parkinson's disease, Alzheimer's disease, diabetes, and spinal cord injury?  Critics of stem-cell research offer two main objections: some hold that despite its worthy ends, stem-cell research is wrong because it involves the destruction of human embryos; others worry that even if research on embryos is not wrong in itself, it will open the way to a slippery slope of dehumanizing practices, such as embryo farms, cloned babies, the use of fetuses for spare parts, and the commodification of human life.  Full Article Here

And here is another discussion of viewpoints.   I realize there is no simple and clear cut answer, there are opinions and indignant responses everywhere.   The voices in my own head argue. Having it to do over, I know I would be more prayerful and make my decision in faith rather than selfishness.  Having the option to donate to research or healing changes the playing field dramatically.  I do know it's easier to cast judgment than to sit in the seat of the decision maker.

Say AHHHhhhhhhh,,,,,,,

Poor, pitiful little angel.  Lexi has been sick off and on since before the holidays.  She was first treated for a sinus infection, then developed an acute cough that eventually turned into an upper respiratory infection.  The cough subsided a little, but she's gotten more congested.   Last night she started running a fever, her chest was rattley and her ear was hurting.  This morning we made a 3rd trip to the doctor.  Inhaler, steroids and candy.   ??  (dad cannot say no, much less to his sick daughter)
I'm hoping those Gobstoppers really do the trick.  
Lexi is not a fun patient.  She wouldn't smile for my picture, she chokes on medicine, she whines and is generally cranky.  I'm thinking she got her dad's puny genes.  Keith is pretty much a grumpola when he doesn't feel good.  I've learned to take notice when he does mention feeling sick, because it doesn't happen very often and usually involves a hospital stay.  Appendicitis, meningitis and something weird that caused his heart to race and beat erratically.  He can't just take an Tylenol and drink lots of water, he goes for the full monty.    He's an all or nothing kinda guy.
She does have some of my genes.  Ahh  hmmmmm...yes, she does.

 Planner Organizer Extraordinaire - Lexi's bedroom door.

Wishing God Would Just Text Me!!

In my bible group, we're studying "Discerning the Voice of God" by Priscilla Shirer, learning how to recognize when God speaks is the message and she lays it out beautifully.  Last night, in the video, she said something that has resonated in my thoughts.  "God's voice is a statement.  He doesn't argue or debate, He speaks as the authority.  He knows".  
How many times have I been faced with decisions that I internally argue over and over?   Often I'm trying to convince myself that "my way" is the right way and that God agrees.  I map out my plan and take it to God for His stamp of approval.   I'm surprised or disappointed when things go wrong and then question how God could abandon me or let me be so stupid.
God's direction is not always my first choice, although it should be.  It's often an uncomfortable one.  Looking back I can recognize the times I've bargained with what I **knew** was the better option.  How funny is that?  Reminiscent of my kids arguing with me after I've clearly given direction.  
I also struggle with my perception of His silence.  Understand, God has to compete with all those little voices in my head, so I can't always figure it out.  Today, in the quiet silence of early morning, I changed my prayer from "God, I need ... and please.... and thank you" to "Let me be filled with Your spirit and hear Your voice".   Of course my mind runs off in all directions and it is HARD to still my thoughts, I tried to focus (and not fall back asleep) and I waited.   Some clarity came to my heart, but I'm confused in other areas.   Patience is hard for me.
When I got up, I needed a scripture for the day and was drawn to:
 Proverbs 3:5-6

5   Put all your hope in God, not looking to your reason for support.

6   In all your ways give ear to him, and he will make straight your footsteps.

So, for today, that is my prayer.  In His Son's name, Amen.

In Loving Memory of Heather - for J

Tribute to J - repost from  2006~Angel Heather and J ~

January 30, 2006 - One week ago Saturday, my nephew and his girlfriend had gone shopping. She insisted on him getting a shirt (pink) to match her dress for an upcoming dance. He was excited to take her to dinner. She chose Burger King. Coming home, this precious couple was involved in a freak accident. There was no speeding; no alcohol, no silliness involved and both kids were wearing seatbelts. On a farm road with little traffic, 2 angels happened to be following and were able to help, call 911....and pray. Jonathan had some head and arm injuries. He underwent a CAT scan and x-rays, bandaged up and released. Heather was medi-flighted to Oklahoma City. As Jonathan and his parents raced to Oklahoma City, a 2 hour drive, they got the call that they didn't think Heather was going to survive. Grieving and devastated, her loving parents kept her on life support until Jonathan could be there with them. She died about 3:00 on Sunday morning. Heather's parents are true angels on this earth. They wrapped their loving arms around Jonathan and have held them in their hearts as their own. Her sister and brother held him tight and have been such a comfort to this grieving 17 year old child, now a man. I watched my own angel sister, helpless to "fix" her little boy's pain. Somehow she knows the right things to do and say, when to hold him tight and when to wait and watch. How did she learn that? How did I miss that wisdom? How did she get to be such a great mom when she is just my little sis? So many lessons in this tragedy. It is foreign ground for me. My usual remedies aren't working and I want to curl up with my own children and protect them from the perils of this world. God is working with me, but as He well knows I'm a slow learner. Please pray for our family and for Heather's.

HOMESICK...Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times at least 

a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
but the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again

To see you again And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow 

I've never been more homesick than now

---

January 31, 2006 - The Penny Story We got home about 4:00 am the morning of J's accident. I went to bed for a while. It was fellowship dinner Sunday, so I threw together a casserole and we went to church. I came home and slept the rest of the day. On Monday I thought I needed something "normal" so I put into motion my regular routine. Getting out of my car at the gas station I looked down and saw a penny. I picked it up and said "Thanks God, but I'm not real happy with you right now". 

I always put them in my jacket pocket so I touch them through the day. In about an hour I stopped to get a drink and dropped the lid. When I bent down to pick it up, there was a quarter on the floor. I looked toward Heaven and silently told God thanks...again....and placed the quarter in my pocket. 

It made me think. I know God is wrapping his arms around me and I'm stone cold. Maybe when you're hurting the most, you're least likely to allow yourself to really FEEL anything else. When I need God the most I feel he's somehow abandoned me and I distance myself. I watched Heather's parents react with absolute, jump-off-the-cliff FAITH and I was questioning my own. 

I went to the post office and visited with a friend, picked up the mail and there on the floor was a BRIGHT, SHINY penny. GEESH God, I HEAR YOU! He has surrounded me with angels and wrapped me in His arms. It doesn't make me feel any less sad or the days any easier to get through. 

It doesn't help me to understand and I still cry daily. But it does give me a solid foundation and I know the bottom isn't going to fall out. It gives me a peace in my heart that is hard to explain when I feel so sad. Blessings, Kim

I found a shiny penny just laying on the ground.
But, it's more than just a penny, this little coin I found.
Pennies come from Heaven, or so that's what I've been told,
tossed to earth by Angels to ease your deepest hurt.
For when an Angel misses you they toss a penny down,
to fill your heart with cheer, and make a smile out of your frown.
So when you see a shiny penny gleaming brightly on the ground,
pick it up and treasure it for an Angel tossed it down.

J - you're an angel on earth. Of that I have no doubts - Aunt Kim

In loving memory of Heather Bryce, her family and the many, many friends who love her.  

Doggy Daycare

My friend Heidi and her family are heading to Kansas for a soccer tournament this weekend so they brought their boxer boy, Gunner over to hang out with Mr. Wilbur. They are BFF now and although they take short time-outs, they get "Excessive Celebration" penalties about every eleven minutes.  So far they've knocked over a chair, bumped me into a wall and dumped the trash can in the floor.  

  

Not us!!  We're just sweet guys with slobbery tongues.

Pssst!!  Gunner!!  Get up and play!

Usually Wilbur sleeps 23.65 hours of every day.  He gobbles his food down and takes care of business in lightening speed.   Today, however, he's the big man on campus and is taking his daycare duty seriously!   

Night School

Happy Sam Bradford Day fellow Sooners!
Ok, Lexi has the crud.  She started coughing several weeks ago, I took her to the Dr.  and thought she was better.  That little tickley cough has hung on and she occasionally has these jumping around episodes that if they weren't a little comical, might be quite scary.  Anyway, last night, 3 hours after her bedtime, she was still huh huh huhing.  I got her up to take some medicine.   You should see her try to swallow a pill - it's a bigger spectacle than the hacking hoe-down.   Once I was sure she had it down, I went to bed.
From my bed, I kept seeing odd lights flicker, so I elbowed my hulking he-man to go protect the household.  He came back mumbling and laughing.  It wasn't quite midnight, but Lexi was fully dressed for school, getting ready to fix her breakfast.   My little sleep-deprived angel isn't quite used to getting up while it's still dark, so she didn't think twice when her Momma woke her.   I'm just glad she didn't go out to wait on the bus!

When morning came, she was too congested to breathe, so we took her back to the Dr.    She ended up getting dressed for school twice in one day - and not getting to go at all.   

Seasoned Pretzels

Seasoned Pretzels

• 1 cup vegetable oil
  
• 1 pkg dry Ranch dip seasoning mix
  
• 1 1/2 T garlic salt
  
• 1/2 T cayenne pepper
  
• 1 1/2 t lemon pepper
  
• 1 pkg pretzels
  

Put pretzels in gallon zip lock bag.  Mix other ingredients together and pour over pretzels in bag. Close and turn bag to coat.  Turn bag every half hour for 2 hours.  Enjoy!   

---

My sister brought these to our Christmas snackfest and I couldn't get enough of them.  My first batch I followed the above recipe (went a little easy on the pepper) and thought mine were too salty.  I am making a batch right now and I used a mix of garlic powder and onion powder.  I love the tang the lemon pepper adds!   I think I like the stick pretzels best for this.  
You could add about any seasoning you like; bar-b-que, chile lime, make them hotter, parmesan...think of the possibilities.  Lexi wants dill pickle flavor, but I'm clueless about that.  She buys pucker power sunflower seeds. 

Help Wanted

I started my job search in mid-January.  My dream job would be managing a cozy bookstore with a coffee shop and a huge fireplace.   I am not sure I'd actually want to do any work, but it would be a lovely place to be required to be daily.   There don't seem to be many...any...jobs like this listed on Monster in Oklahoma, so I've had to broaden my search criteria.
What I know for sure - I don't want to do much of anything that matches my resume.   My education, training and work experience look great on paper, but I'm not sure they reflect the my true talent, energy and potential.   I imagine there are hundreds of applications for every position - and you can't infuse passion into a standard application.  Computers are culling out key words to determine qualified applicants.  Right now, getting an interview seems like the luck of the draw.
That's where my faith comes in.  Knowing God has a plan for me and being confident He's in control, I've only applied for the positions that create that little "tug".  For an interview this week, the hiring manager requested a presentation and commented to "think out of the box".  Woo Hoo!!  If you know me, you know I don't think like a normal person.  While I'm a rule follower, logical and practical, I love to problem-solve and create.   
My resume is tied to job titles and is skill specific.  I'm not sure how to incorporate my history of "Kim, can you fix this?" or "That's a Kim project".   Don't misunderstand, I'm not a mechanic or artist - I gravitate to inputting data on a spreadsheet to determine history and forecast results, analyzing problems and figuring out solutions, coordinating groups or tasks so they come together productively. It fascinates me to watch an orchestra conductor pull all the people and instruments together to make such beautiful music.  
I'm ready to move forward and although I'm not happy with our situation, I'm confident we've made the right decisions for us....for now.   The waiting phase is most definitely my least favorite.

Update

5 days of school behind us.  I wish I could say it has been a piece of cake, but it hasn't.  My daughter loves being taught at home.  She's an easy learner and a quiet, thoughtful child.  She doesn't enjoy the chaos and noise.   Until she gets the routine down, she stresses about not getting things finished (thus having homework) and potentially missing something.    We've both been tearful this week.
My son is elated to be with his buddies all day.  I'm not sure he fully grasps the concept that SCHOOL = EDUCATION and is not TIME TO PARTAY!  But we're working that direction.  He is not, by nature, an organized person.  His mother is, by nature, an anally organized person.  Right now we are not on the same page, in the same book or even speaking a similar language.  But we're working that direction.    We've both been testy this week.
We've agreed to public school for the remainder of this semester, then reassess.  I am not anti-public school by any means and would love the kids to excel in that environment.  Once I have a job, we'll have a better idea of our options and can make some adjustments. 
I've applied for a couple of positions, interviewed, have a couple coming up this week.   For sure I know I am not meant to stay home by myself.   BORING!  Even as project oriented as I am, it's just too quiet.   

Best Advice

At a recent baby shower, the guests were tasked to write down their best "Advice for the New Mom" on a keepsake card.  There were a lot of practical ideas that might be helpful, and some wits-end suggestions that could come in handy.   Since I haven't had a baby in a while, I wasn't thinking about diaper rash or teething troubles, but one I've mentioned to my own grown daughters more than once.

Trust your mama instinct.

I've been a mom for over 30 years and there are times I've been considered over-protective and have felt like a projecting hypochondriac, but I have tried to cautiously listen to that "mommy voice".  As a mom, you worry - but there is a difference.   Most mothers will tell you in times gone wrong they "had a feeling" or just knew something wasn't right.  

It is important to listen to God's whisper in your ear and regardless of potential protests, stand your ground.   I try to weigh the urgency in my heart with the worst case scenario in deciding what to do.  Sometimes I'm wrong - but wow, oh, wow the times I've been on the money.

Also I encourage both my younger children to acknowledge their own instinctive yellow flags.  They sometimes have reservations or concerns that aren't given full consideration and I'm trying to be aware of that.   

I love to hear the stories about the times we've listened and what resulted.

Champions

I have a whole lot of respect for Tim Tebow.  Homeschooled kid turned football hero and all around good guy.  Congratulations to the Florida Gators.

But my heart is with Bob Stoops, Sam Bradford and the Oklahoma Sooners.  We love you and you're still champions to us!

but I am sad!

Word of the Day - EMPATHY

I closed the year with a specific word on my mind and in my prayers - it was GRACE.  I love that word and find my day laced with little reminders.   

Today I want to start exploring a new one - EMPATHY.   As a friend, I consider myself a good listener, but I know I'm quick to interject a personal experience or suggestion.  I know I care, but do I show it?  Sincerely?

Perhaps as a mom, I've honed my skill at "fixing" problems instead of truly hearing the message behind the words.   In my own life I realize that what I say out loud doesn't always truly reflect my heart.  

When I first think about being "empathatic", I imagine a sort of detached concern.  I found the common definition to be:  The capacity to recognize or understand another's state of mind or emotion. It is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes".

That in and of itself isn't exactly a Hallmark card moment.   To take it to the next level requires genuine thoughtfulness and a real effort to understand. 

Raising a son and daughter, I have the most wonderful opportunity to help them develop their communication skills as I revamp my own.   My daughters and I seem to be more naturally perceptive and instinctively nurturing, while my son is more literal and is learning the "guy code" despite my resistance.   

I believe relationships are the key to heaven on earth.   My goal for 2009 is to better understand and improve my own behaviors.  I guess this is as close to a New Year's Resolution as I get.

What is your Empathy Quotient?  Mine was only 40.

Need some key points?  An interesting article.

Organizing

Isn't this a cool pic of Lexi?  I took it in front of the Christmas tree at her piano recital.  She's growing up too quickly.

As soon as all the Christmas decorations are put away - well, most of them - I get the itch to organize and declutter.  That usually means I make a huge mess out of my house.  Since we just moved in this summer, I've already gotten rid of a lot.  I still need to clean out my bookshelves and my desk - which are the catch-all for all things without a place.

I also start the annual calendar search.  I'm obsessed with finding the right planner / calendar.  Kaci and I downloaded Cozi - which is a cool on-line organizing set up (and it is FREE).  However I still need something to carry in my purse.  I bought a little 4x6 BlueSky monthly planner yesterday - with each month spread over 2 pages.  If I could write like a mouse I might get some things planned.  If I could remember my own shorthand, I might know what I wrote on that date.  If I could remember at all I might not even need a calendar - much less two or three.

At Heidi's New Year's party I met a neat new girlfriend who put together a birthday calendar for her extended family.   I'm hoping she'll share her template and I would like to do that for next year's Christmas gifts.   It doesn't have the specific year/days of the week, just the dates.  It was accented with cool family pictures.   My organizing includes starting early with thinking about next year.  Hopefully this year I can take that to the next level and actually do something before December!

Happy New Year

Welcome to my new hangout for 2009.   Our family is gearing for a lot of change this year, and while there is some disappointment, there is determination and faith to balance our load.

Our announcements are:

1. Monday - the kids will return to public school.  Nicholas is excited, but has had a reality check on expectations.  Lexi is apprehensive, but will have a super teacher and some great girlfriends to help her adjust.
2. I will start my job search in earnest.  There is one in particular that has caught my eye, but with this economy the competition might be tough.  I'm confident God has a plan for me and am excited for this chapter of my life to be unveiled.
   
3. Well, there aren't really three, but I like the balanced look of more than two!  Thank goodness there isn't another one.  Those first two are enough!

So, what can I leave you with in this first post of the new year?  How about this?

Yea, that's me.  Christmas morning, fixing breakfast, all decked out in my new jammies and hot mama socks.  I must have left my broomstick tiara on the bedside table.    My dog, Wilbur, is mesmerized.  Then he did this.

That dog has no taste in good fashion.